An AuDHD Therapist’s Guide to Surviving the Holidays
Its that time of the year again, the music, the magic, the lights, the fanfare, and the slight neurodivergent dread of what this year of culturally expected social interations, performative emotions, crowds, noise, and busy schedules will bring. The holiday season is one of my favourite times of the year. I have so many fond memories of friends and family, delicious food, Christmas lights, and singing carols. But this time of year often leaves me exhausted, overwhelmed, and on the verge of burnout. For some neurodivergent people the holiday season can be one big green and red jingle bell sensory overload that leaves them feeling more grinchy than holly and jolly.
Surviving the Holidays
When considering how to survive the holidays it can be important to know what holiday activities really drain your battery. Is it overcrowding in the shops? Social interactions? Family events? Expectations? Culturally expected behaiours and emotions?
Once you are aware of what things make holidays challenging for you, you can identify some strategies to support you this year.
Em’s Tips for Surving the Holidays
Overcrowding in the shops
Plan ahead by ordering your gifts online.
Opt for click and collect if you want to avoid delivery fees and time frames.
Buy gifts throughout the year to avoid the end of year rush.
Head to the shops early in the morning or late at night to avoid the crowds.
Complete shopping before school holidays start to avoid extra foot traffic.
If shopping during the holiday season make use of earplugs, noise cancelling headphones, and fidgets
Social interactions
If you can, pick and choose who to spend the holidays with this year
Spend one on one time with a few people instead of all the people on your list or see everyone all at once at a group event like Friendmas.
Focus on how you feel versus how you should feel about seeing a specific person. If you don’t want to do it this year, take a break.
Opt for writing letters/cards/texts to people sending well wishes rather than meeting in person.
Call or video call friends and/or family rather than meeting in person if travel is difficult this time of year.
If meeting in person, choose a location that is closer to you, familiar, or quiet to reduce sensory and mental strain.
When meeting in person use fidgets and sensory supports e.g., weighted lap blanket, ear plugs.
Limit social catchups to 1-2 per week to allow yourself time to recuperate.
If you want to do all your social interactions at once, schedule 2-3 days to recover (and actually rest).
Remember that how you feel is just as important as how the other person would feel, yes it may make their day, but it may break yours, opt for meeting in the new year, or organising a gift to be delivered instead.
Family events
Take fidgets and sensory supports e.g., weighted lap blanket, ear plugs.
Give yourself a task to do e.g., help with cooking or look after the young children to avoid extended periods of socialising
Bring a board or card game to play to break up the evening
Find the pets and play with them!
If you find yourself in an uncomfortable conversation, excuse yourself to the bathroom. If you're able, redirect the conversation using phrases such as “I don't feel like talking about that now, let's talk about something else” or “Can we change the topic, how is XYZ?”
Leave early. Stay for as long as feels comfortable for you. Let everyone know you're leaving early and head home. If you know people pester you for a reason, make up an excuse, or book an event that evening/night so you have a reason to leave. (Ultimately you can just leave without giving a reason but saying no can be scary in the beginning).
Drive yourself if possible so you can arrive/leave when you want to.
Make it into a game. Making a game of the interesting things that often happen at family events can make the situation less painful. Last year I created family bingo. I wrote down some of the interesting things my family does at family dinner on a bingo card. When someone did one of the things I wrote down I crossed them off. (Surprisingly only a few of my predictions were true, and I actually enjoyed myself.) Other games you can play are “Guess how many times Uncle Blank does XYZ” or “At what time will Relative Blank do XYZ.”
Expectations
Create new expectations for yourself based on your energy levels, what you want to do, and what traditions you want to keep. E.g., “This year I want to make time for friends over new years.” Or “I am only going to buy presents for my siblings” Or “I am going to buy secondhand/make gifts this year.” Or “I am only going to spend 3 hours with my family.”
Allow yourself to say no. You're allowed to say no to family dinner, friend events, doing presents, spending large amounts of money, and/or travelling to see people. It’s okay to not want to spend time with anyone during the holidays just as much as it is okay to want to see everyone!
Communicate expectations with family and friends. Practice some scripts beforehand to help you feel confident. If phone/face to face conversations are difficult, opt for a text.
Cultural expectations around behaviour and emotions
Allow yourself to be you. If that means not masking with family, don't mask with family. If that means masking with family but unmasking with friends, mask with family and unmask with friends. Be comfortable this holiday season. You’re worth it
Communicate your preferences around opening gifts. E.g., “I feel uncomfortable opening presents in front of everyone, I will open these later and send you a text. Thank you so much for the present!” Or “I don't feel comfortable opening this in front of everyone, I’ll open them in my room and then come back out. Thank you!”
If you do not like your gift it is okay to tell the person that you would like to exchange or return it. Waiting until you can have a quiet private conversation with the person who bought it, preferably after all the gifts have been opened and the group has moved on to something else can be seen as a more respectful way of talking about it.
This is your reminder that it is okay to not feel big feelings of joy, excitement, and love during the holiday season. This time of year can be stressful, tiring, and overwhelming. You don't have to laugh a lot, smile, or give hugs, or say “I love you” to people you don't want to.
This is also your reminder that you don't have to celebrate the holidays with your biological family/relatives. Spending it with friends, partners, pets, or no one is a perfectly normal choice as well.
Conclusion
Although these tips will not solve all the issues that you may face during the holiday season when you prioritise and accommodate your needs you will feel connected to yourself and your loved ones, creating space to enjoy the holiday season.
What other holiday survival tips and tricks do you practice? Comment them down below.
